First up is Jonathan reading a sampling from War and Peace, and by sample I mean the whole thing! Sounds boring? He’ll be reading atop a tightrope which will be hung above a pool of hungry sharks. Did I mention he’ll be on a unicycle? There is more in store but I don’t want to spoil the climax of his act.
After an explosive end to the third act we’ll see Theodora and Bailey performing amazing feats that can only be described as better than a Harvey’s hamburger… and I really like Harvey’s burgers. The two will perform an improv act with a twist. Deadly traps await the two as they walk blindfolded (remember we’re on the roof) as they perform their routine. Suggestions from the audience add an extra layer of excitement to this already death-defying (we hope) duo. Twists here include savage rabies infected bunnies (the Playboy kind) and panda’s with flamethrowers strapped to their arms.
Next up is Miranda and Ramiro performing a stand-up routine based on the best of Abbott and Costello. The twist in this part of the show is Miranda will be performing Abbott’s lines as Hitler and Ramiro’s Costello will bear a striking resemblance to Mussolini! How could it get any better?! I’ll tell you how! At the end of the show the two will duel to the death, with POKEMON CARDS! The climax of this show involves a slurpee, two owls, and a sharpie; so be excited.
After we’ve seen most of our staff meet a horrific end we bring to stage Mayor Don Iveson in all his chiseled chin glory. He will take on Captain Edmonton: The Musical, a play adaptation of the latest Captain America movie written with a hometown twist. Iveson’s hero will face off against Nazi zombie killers and people with three heads (not actors, real three-headed people)! Watch as Iveson dazzles audience with his wicked battle hockey stick moves that take out zombies and freaks alike. What he doesn’t know? We’re throwing mobs of Edmontonians still unrealistically angry about the downtown arena at him at different parts of the play; Iveson will have to deal with thinking on the spot as these vicious people aren’t in the script. Expect grand explosions, epic fight scenes, and a tuna fish.
Here the Oilers will play a hockey game! On the roof! Awesome right?! The twist? They’ll win a game!
Act seven opens with a giant piece of paper doing the Star Wars scroll thing with the yellow letters and such. It will introduce what will become a world record in light saber fights. And just say no to plastic lightsabers! The science program here at Concordia have, through years of research and tens of dollars, created real lightsabers with arm chopping off action. Random students will be recruited with the promise of cookies, we’re expecting a large turnout for this one. Expect spaghetti, comics, and a giant dartboard to make an appearance.
Next up is myself performing an ode to The Bolt. After raiding the archives I have procured every issue of The Blue and White, Aurora Borealis, and The Bolt ever written and I shall read them all! Of course that isn’t enough to quell the need of the audience, and so I’ll read them out in Dr. Seuss style readings. All this while painting a grand mural in commemoration of Life ‘N Stuff in all their greatness. All hail Life’ N Stuff and all their mystery.
We close the show with a grand show number and dance routine. All the remaining (as in not dead) members of The Bolt will come together and sing and sing and sing until the cows literally come home. This will lead to something akin to the running of the bulls putting the audience into the show in a way never before done on stage.
I really hope you all come out to see the show. We can’t wait to see you there and I can’t wait for my staff to figure out what I have planned for them. The show starts at 6:24 in the morning, this Friday; tickets are free.