During one of our late night rendezvous, Don Iveson, our stunningly beautiful mayor, informed me that Life ‘N Stuff’s power extends further than just Concordia. Iveson was approached by Life ‘N Stuff under the pretense of marital advice (fingers crossed for divorce) but Iveson was asked to join this anonymous power. When he refused to allow corruption into the Edmonton government, the dictator went over Iveson’s perfectly symmetrical head and sought the support of both the provincial and federal governments. There are also rumors that Life ‘N Stuff has been giving “dating advice” to Kim Jung-un, Raúl Castro, and Vladimir Putin, but C.R.A.P.’s spies have confirmed that all three of these leaders are so eligible that they could be in an Axe Body Spray commercial, and therefore discussing other things at their meetings. This shows that Concordia’s very own totalitarian has extended its power internationally. The time to act is now, so please join C.R.A.P. Immediately!
I have organized a C.R.A.P. public protest against Life ‘N Stuff in the hopes that the revolutionaries at C.R.A.P. will bear arms against our oppressor. This mass meeting is scheduled to be held at the Robert Tegler Student Center. General public who want to participate in this protest should arrive at Tegler on April 3rd at 4pm with pitch forks, handguns, and catapults. Together we can storm the CSA offices to take control of The Bolt by force and set up a guillotine for all those who pose a threat to C.R.A.P.. Those wanting to make the world a more democratic place may contact me at DonIvesonIsHot7@revolution.com for further information.
Story Editor of The Bolt
Leader of the Concordian Resistance Against the Paper (C.R.A.P.)