Nothing quite like self-doubt. I’ve had a lot of terrible thoughts, but nothing feels worse than having a perception that you’re just not good enough. People cast doubts upon you, and there isn’t always positive feedback in life’s moments. In many situations, you really only receive feedback when you do something wrong. With a weak opinion of the self, this can be a troubling thought.
I used to thrive off of positive feedback. When people told me I did something well I clung to that feeling. On the other end of the spectrum, people's words could take my ego from sky-high to rock bottom. Despite the odd compliment, my pride was not sustainable. There was no way I’d ever have consistent pride in myself with the poor habits I had developed.
I was aware I continually made poor decisions, but I felt like I couldn’t do anything about it. Life was going downhill quickly, and I had no idea how to turn the ship around.
But then something happened; and this isn’t easy to speak about. It had finally reached a breaking point. The stress had boiled over, the depression and anxiety consumed me. My relationships were in the toilet, I had been neglecting my duties of being a decent human being. I looked in the mirror at a lost soul, and all I could think was, “you are not good enough.”
I attempted suicide. Immediately, regret sank in. I panicked and worried, tossing and turning, eventually falling asleep around the time night meets dawn.
What the fuck? I woke up. Why was I here? I shouldn’t be here. I remember feeling incredibly blessed and humbled to have woken up after such a terrible decision. Life will never be easy, but I will never reach a point in my life again where I feel the need to call it quits. Hindsight really is 20/20.
That day will always be reflected upon as a focal point in my life. It completely changed my perspective on everything. I began working on myself from the inside out. Each day I would do something that would benefit myself, either short term or long term. I started working out regularly and eating healthier. I rid myself of unhealthy relationships while holding on to the ones who mean most. I was laying a foundation for a healthy human being. Each day, brick by brick, I would build a foundation.
Over a year later I look back and reflect upon the state of mind I was in. As scary as it is to think about, I’m glad it happened. I’m happy that my entire being was so shook that it changed my perspective to a friendlier, more positive outlook on life. However, I know individuals who attempt suicide won’t always be this lucky. I’m aware I may have defied odds to keep myself here.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Build yourself up from within, clean your life of toxic relationships, and do tasks that fulfill you as a human being. This may not solve your problems, but will definitely allow life to seem more manageable.
I believe in you. I believe that you can overcome the adversity life will throw you way. I believe we are all capable of working through the issues that arise. It may not be easy, it may not come quickly, but if you dedicate yourself to empowerment, day by day, things will get easier.
I didn’t think I was good enough to love and be loved, I didn’t think I was good enough to overcome the problems which persisted in my life, and I didn’t think I was good enough to carry forward.
Today, I sit here writing for my beautiful schoolmates, old and new, with a brand new perspective. Not only am I good enough, not only are you good enough. We are simply amazing, every single one of us. The sooner you accept this fact, the sooner you can build that foundation to carry you forward for the rest of your life.