Emotional abuse is blatantly disrespectful, hurtful and controlling. When a person is emotionally abused it cripples them. They are left lacking self-esteem, their confidence is shattered, their independence lost. They are unable to think rationally about their abuser. It’s not okay just because it isn’t physical.
I don’t know why he treated me this way. But the better question is how could I have knowingly let this happen? A very good friend of mine told me that I had been living inside a fairytale, believing in the love that was buried behind the abuse. In my experience many women tend to believe that their Beast will turn into a Prince. They want to fix them, repair what they believe is broken, but most of the time can’t.
I became highly paranoid when I found out that he was unfaithful to me. This paranoia was isolating. I was obsessed with thinking about who he might be with. It worsened my anxiety, I barely ate. I lost so much weight that people became concerned for my physical health.
Ernest Hemingway wrote “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” I’ve been there. I lost myself because I was always trying to be the person that he wanted. I worried about what he would think of everything I did or even what I wore. Often when I broke one of his unwritten rules, I would get the silent treatment. For me this the absolute worst because of the incredible loneliness. This loneliness carried on post-breakup and evolved into a depression that I am still battling against.
This summer, I thought about suicide. Thinking about the hurt and betrayal was too much for me to handle. I’m still here because of my friends. When one friend in particular recommended I see a counsellor I was skeptical, I worried that they would downplay my feelings for overdramatic love, I have never been so wrong.
I have started seeing a councillor. I have incredible friends that help me deal with my loneliness. I spend a lot of time looking at inspirational quotes on pinterest, silly I know, but it helps. I have found healthy ways of dealing. I have been looking at studying abroad to get a chance at rebuilding myself. I want you to understand that emotional abuse is never okay. Never downplay emotional abuse as something normal, it isn’t a part of a healthy relationship. If you are feeling alone try to seek help. For me it has been the beginning of my journey to recovery. I’m moving forwards with my life.