Now I know what you're thinking: “Matt, are you crazy? Sure, I'd love to knock off that jerk sitting in front of me in stats for eating too loudly in class every day, but I'll be caught!” But today, I’m going to go through a step by step process to help you clean out that list of people who ate the last slice of pizza worry free in just five easy steps!
Step one: Ludicrous costume! All your murder fantasies are so much closer to reality when people think that you're the ghost who haunts the school, or a werewolf, slime monster, whatever! The world is your oyster, so long as you've dressed up in 50 pounds of papier-mâché, spray paint, and perfectly justified vengeance.
Step two: Location, location, location! We here at Concordia certainly love our river valley view and there are plenty of trails that stretch practically from the river to the school! So why waste all that time offing the object of your hatred, moving the body, disposing it, and all manner of whatsits. We're university students, we don't have time for no body burying! And how weird would we look with a person draped over our shoulders on the bus, especially when we're dressed up as King Kong, or wearing one of those presidential masks from Point Break? Rubber faced Kennedy gorilla man and his trusty ward, bloodless boy, that's not suspicious at all. So make use of that river valley! Lure them down to the river bank with promises of candy, wine, or cheetos, whatever the kids are into these days, and give them the old one-two with an iron pan. Wham, bam, thank ya ma'am. Or how about the roof of the school? What I'm trying to tell you here is the more dramatic, the better!
Step three: Have an airtight alibi! Let's say you're the head of a club, and your funding got redirected to some other guys who are obviously doing nothing with it. Who do they think they are, that should be your money! So you take matters into your own hands, take those punks down to the river, and introduce them to your good friend ironing board. But people could very well notice you were gone around the same time as this ‘unfortunate event’ you clearly had nothing to do with, so what is a would-be power hungry club president to do? Clearly, throw a party. A really, ludicrously, extravagant party: If it works for Batman, it'll work for you and what does Bruce Wayne have that you don't?
Step four: Slow and Steady! This step is all about planning. Plans never translate well from paper to real life, so what happens when things go wrong? Your could-have-been victim has swiped your candy, wine, and cheetos, and has managed to evade certain death, now they're running away back to your killer party for help. Well, don't panic, just walk after them. Slowly. So long as you follow behind them at a reasonable walking pace, nothing brisk here guys, every door they try will be locked and they will mystically have no cell phone signal. The only way they could be more of a sitting duck is if they were both sitting, and dressed as a duck. But who wants things to be that easy? Not you, tiger! Your plan of revenge is about as solid as the Count of Monte Cristo: Unshakable and way too complex or in other words, flawless!
Step five: Get out while the getting is good! We've all been there, succeeding in our wildest schemes and getting just about everything we’ve ever wanted (which usually amounts to an ice cream cone and peace of mind from midterms) when those four punks and a dog show up. You stop and figure to yourself “I've seen Scooby Doo, and even those live action movies! All I have to do is kidnap them when they inevitably split up for clues, and then I'll be laughing”! Stop, stop right there. There is nothing more dangerous to your multi-tiered powerpoint presented murder-revenge schemes than a group of hapless mystery solving twenty-somethings and their pet. Game over man, get outta dodge before they figure out whodunit. I hear that Alaska is nice this time of year.
Or you know, as an alternative, don't kill anybody and just have a good time with the rest of your relatively crime-free life, which you will not be spending in fear of four kids and a dog. Happy Halloween everyone!